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(Greeting)
In my job as a salesman,
I spend a lot of time driving, on both freeways and streets.
No matter how much I drive,
I never get over being amazed at how many jerks there are out there.
One day I heard on the radio a spoof ad for a mock driving school.
The ad said, "Why be intimidated by those jerk drivers,
when with just a little training and practice YOU can become one of them."
I LOVED IT! I called the number, I took the classes,
and I'm here this evening to share with you a few of the things I learned.
So listen up!
The application is universal,
It seems like there are more and more jerks on the highway all the time.
You may soon have to make a choice, to lick 'em or to join 'em.
Either way you need to understand the theory and practice of jerk driving,
to learn either what to expect or what to do.
Ready? Class is now in session!
If you're going to be a real jerk on the highway,
you need to develop the correct mental attitude;
this comes in two parts.
The first is a total disregard for everyone else on the road.
This is no job for a person with a conscience!
If yours is too active, you better get it under control!
The second part of the correct attitude is a realization that,
(Now listen closely),
a realization that even if traffic is moving well,
sooner or later you're going to get to that traffic jam,
and when you do you want as few cars ahead of you as possible.
So pass as many cars as you can,
or keep as many as you can from passing you,
or both.
I'm going to tell you something about yourselves now.
As I've been talking about jerk drivers,
some of you have been thinking about those speed demons, haven't you?
Some of you have been thinking about those slow pokes, right?
If you tell me which one you've been thinking about,
I'll know which one somebody else thinks you are, won't I?
But let me tell you this for sure:
You can be a fast jerk, or you can be a slow jerk,
But whichever you are, be a good one!
After all, if something is worth doing, it's worth doing right.
How do we do it? Here are some ways:
WEAVE IN AND OUT THROUGH TRAFFIC!
Everybody knows this can be done,
but do you know just how big your car is?
Learn how big it is,
so you can cut closer, both front and rear.
On the other hand, if you're moving slow, and somebody goes by,
SPEED UP SO THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO CHANGE INTO YOUR LANE!
You don't want them in front of you!
The corollary to this is that if you are a slow driver
GET INTO THE FAST LANE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
This not only forces faster cars to slow down
until they can get around you,
but also puts you in a better position to speed up as they try!
A related trick for the fast or moderate driver is to
PULL UP ALONGSIDE ANOTHER CAR AND THEN
as you both come up behind a slower vehicle in his lane, SLOW DOWN.
If you keep going, he'll be able to merge comfortably behind you,
but if you slow down, he'll have to, too.
This trick gains you absolutely nothing,
because either way you're going to be ahead of him,
but it's so popular that there must be an enjoyment factor involved.
Merging lanes at on-ramps provide a couple of good JERK-A-TUNITIES.
Here's a quiz for you:
A car is coming down the on-ramp.
As he reaches the merge lane he is right alongside you, going your speed.
Do You:
A) Change lanes into the empty lane on your left so he can get in?
B) Slow down to let him in?
C) Ignore him and let him fend for himself?
D) Speed up and force him to drop behind you?
If you answered A or B, you obviously haven't been paying attention.
If you answered C, you have the makings of a jerk,
but need some training and practice;
I recommend you call 1-800-DRIVE-BAD.
They can tell you class schedules and fees and handle your enrollment.
If you answered D, you really understand what jerk driving is all about;
I recommend you call 1-800-DRIVE-BAD.
They need instructors, too.
Another good trick at on-ramp merging lanes:
When traffic is really heavy and stop-and-go,
PULL OVER INTO THE MERGE LANE AND USE IT AS A PASSING LANE!
There's absolutely no law against this,
and it irritates everyone!
One other trick I've saved for last because it isn't a freeway trick.
This one is used on two lane highways with passing lanes.
AS SOON AS YOU GET TO THE PASSING LANE SPEED UP!
Go so fast that no one can get by you!
Then as soon as you're back to the two lane, SLOW DOWN!
Yeah, slow to about 45, but do 80 in the passing lanes;
especially if it's double yellow all the way!
(Address)
I learned a lot at that school.
There really isn't time to teach you everything,
but maybe I've awakened your interest.
If you desire to learn more,
I can recommend this school heartily;
it has changed my whole outlook on driving.
If you forget the number, see me after the meeting,
but let me tell you one more time, it's "1-800-DRIVE-BAD"!
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